LUCUBRATIONS (For the Men Only)

As most of my family and all of my friends are aware, I'm a man of the world. I've been around. I'm not shy.

You might want to be just like me, and, knowing that, I thought I might give you some insight into the secrets of my success so that you might better your lives. Every great man should have his disciples, and I'm looking for a select few. However, if your name is Judas, you need not apply. I don't need anyone kissing up to me.

I'm afraid this first lesson is only directed at the male members of my readership, for it concerns what some call "chat-up lines" for men to use when they are on the pull. If you are female, I suppose you should leave now. Goodbye.

Here's what I have found in my years of experience and two hours of research: If you are going to make an impression in one or two brief sentences, you have to make the other person (I almost wrote victim) feel intelligent, and offer them something that will truly appeal. Without putting cash on the bar. That comes later.

Above all, you must not be too offensive. You might get a rude look if you say: "You look like you need a pick-me-up." to a quadruple amputee.

If you ask someone in The Old Bull & Bush: "Do you come here often?" you will get a yawn at best. But, try: "You know, you look like you come here often." That cries out for a response. By saying "you know" you challenge the person. Is it known? They must not let you think they haven't a clue.

The chat-up lines used by some of the great men (and Margaret Thatcher, same thing) of history all, as far as I can tell, without exception, begin with "You know…" Let's have a look:

STEPHEN HAWKING
"You know, I can set this thing to karaoke."
"You know, I'm guessing you'd like a bite of my Big Crunch bar."

SAINT PAUL
"You know, I've got this thorn in my flesh. Would you like to pluck it out of me?" [2 Corinthians 12:7]
"You know, I'm referred to as a tent-maker. Would you like to know why?" [Acts 18:3]

KEITH RICHARDS
"You know, you look like you're into necrophilia."

GARY GLITTER
"You know who's your great-grand-daddy, Bi'ch."

ARCHIMEDES
"Eureka! You know, I just found it! Would you like to try now?"

THE PRINCE CONSORT
HUSBAND OF QUEEN VICTORIA
"You know, I'm called Prince Albert. Would you like to see why?"

MAHATMA GANDHI
"You know, this is no ordinary diaper. It has wings!"

BRIAN THE SNAIL
THE MAGIC ROUNDABOUT
"You know, I don't want to rush you. I really don't want to rush you."

KERMIT THE FROG
"You know, Piggy, I wonder if the hearth matches the mantle-piece."
""You know, when it comes to some things, I'm not really green at all."

OSCAR WILDE
"You know, Miss Fairfax, if you want some time away from your younger brother, I'll take him back to my flat for an hour."
"You know, in marriage three is company, and two is none. But I just want a quick shag."

THE SCARECROW
THE WIZARD OF OZ
"You know, that's not a corn-cob in my pants."

WALLACE
WALLACE & GROMMIT
"You know, I'd be putty in your hands."

MAHARESHI MAHESH YOGI
"You know, you really turn me Om! And Om! And Om!"

MARCEL MARCEAU
ON A BUSINESS CARD
"You know, I could whisper sweet nothings in your ear."

ADOLPH HITLER
"You know, if you come back to my bunker you could have a ball. Just one."

CHARLES DARWIN
"You know, you've got great big boobies. Naturally, I selected you."

MARGARET THATCHER
"You know, I've got a pennis, Denis."

MICHAEL JACKSON
"You know, if you want to ride on my Ferris wheel with me, I won't toss you off. Unless you wanted me to."

JAMES BOND
"You know, my name's Bond. James Bond. Would you like to know about Oh! Oh! Seven!?"

ROMEO
SHAKESPEARE
"You know, Juliet, I hear the Verona Deep Dish Pizza is to die for."

JULIUS CAESAR
SHAKESPEARE
"You know, Calpurnia, Brutus might do a threesome. He'll take a stab at anything."

ALBERT EINSTEIN
"You know, Gμν = 8πTμν, and mine is infinite and to the right."

BENITO MUSSOLINI
"You know, hang-ups don't bother me at all."